Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
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Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
B
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend