The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
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priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
how high up are we talkin’?
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket