Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
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After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.