This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
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[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea