Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
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This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
No way!
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.