Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
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ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
I feel it
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao