I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
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God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
*gets down on one knee*
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.