This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
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My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
This is a bad sign
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.