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Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
I’m not proud
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows