My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
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Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol