maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
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I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
don’t be scared
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Bond. Trauma bond.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”