I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
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“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Not helping
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.