Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
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You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Miscakes
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Me: Mow the lawn.
Son: I don’t want to.
Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
every single time
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.