ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
You Might Also Like
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car