The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
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I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?