I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
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*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
something like this could probably happen to anyone
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
he looks great for his age
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything