[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
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Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.