I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
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dads on road-trips be like
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.