I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
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Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume