What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
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I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Seductively sings in Klingon.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.