Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
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I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.