Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
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Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.