In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
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trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.