Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
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Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.