[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
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If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Raisins are grape jerky.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.