When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
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[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
seems fine
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training