Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
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You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
What if all the cashiers are married?
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Extremely relatable.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs