[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws