I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?