“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
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Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Go girl power!
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”