Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
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Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Shower sex be like:
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
next question.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!