Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
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If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude