I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
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Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂