I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
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This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son