kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
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[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke