Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
You Might Also Like
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I will never stop laughing at this
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god