i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
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if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”