I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
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Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Morning.
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*