I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
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[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!