Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
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The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
apparently this year was written by stephen king
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.