[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
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Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy