If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
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[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …