“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
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*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Just as the prophecy foretold
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go