Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
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so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
😂😂
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?