melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
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[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
my retirement plan is braless
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
choose your gary
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up