The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
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I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything