Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
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I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Um … Hot Wings please
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough