A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
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Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now