Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
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This kid is going places
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Festive toon…
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I’m giving up for Lent.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince