Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
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Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
just gave your address to some spiders
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there